Why You Should Give A Damn!

Newsletter Archive

Newsletter #26, August, 2008

Ten Years Ago...

by Davina Kotulski, Ph.D.

Ten years ago, Molly and I were so excited as we planned our (first) wedding ceremony. The Hawai’i Supreme Court had just ruled that same-sex couples had a right to marry and we hoped we would be able to make our marriage legal. But sadly the voters of Hawaii voted to change the constitution taking away the right of same-sex couples to marry.

Our sadness motivated action and with Californians for Same-Sex Marriage (CASSM) we tried to get a ballot initiative passed in support of equal marriage rights. We were not able to collect enough signatures, but our opposition was and there was an anti-gay marriage initiative on the ballot in the California primary election in March 2000 and we lost again.

But that didn’t stop us. As CASSM dissolved we hooked up with a handful of activists and created Marriage Equality California (MECA). We worked tirelessly recruiting volunteers, starting chapters, and asking people to sign the marriage declaration pledging their support for equal marriage rights. In 2001 we started going to City Halls on Valentines Day or Freedom to Marry Day and asking for marriage licenses.

Then on February 12, 2004, we went down to ask for our marriage license and we learned that Gavin Newsom was allowing same-sex couples to wed and we were legally married by Mark Leno in San Francisco City Hall. It was an amazing day, but our legal marriage lasted only six months taken away by the California Supreme Court. It was like getting kicked in the stomach.

So we organized a bus of 44 people and headed to DC, stopping in several states along the way explaining the 1138 federal rights and hundreds of state rights denied to us because treating us as equal human beings was/and is beyond many Americans’ imaginations. It was a powerful and painful trip opening our hearts and wounds to help open the hearts and minds of our fellow Americans.

In D.C. we hosted the first and only National Marriage Equality Rally on the U.S. Capitol Lawn on October 11th, 2004, National Coming Out Day. Our rally was under-attended and unpublicized by the major national LGBT organizations who feared our speaking out for equality would cost the Democrats the election disregarding the words of Martin Luther King Jr. that “There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, popular, or political; but because it is right.”

We had more porta-potties than people and we learned what it felt like to be betrayed by our own community. We lost some of our innocence and some of our joy, but we pushed on with the help of the amazing people that joined the ranks of Love Warriors. Together we created the Get Engaged Campaign and we traveled in teams around California from the coasts, the central valley, the state lines of Oregon and Nevada, and we reached out to find our friends and allies in small communities across the state, creating new chapters.

With our new regional power we were able to support Mark Leno to get the state legislature to pass the Civil Marriage and Religious Freedom Act, twice and Gov. S vetoed it twice. Equality eluded us.

We began to struggle because when you are the poster couple fighting for marriage equality it takes away time from your having a marriage, which a friend described as “deeply ironic.” In 2007, I stepped down from my volunteer role as Executive Director of Marriage Equality USA. I needed time to reconnect with my friends and family and Molly and I put more boundaries around our relationship, stepping out of the limelight to save more for ourselves.

In March 2008, the California Supreme Court was ready to hear our case-4 years later-justice is slow. A lot of people died in those 4 years, a lot of people gave up, the stress was too much and relationships broke apart. We gripped each others hands tightly as we listened to the attorneys argue the merits of marriage equality relieved that we had pulled through the storm and were able to witness this together.

Then May 15th, the court finally gave us justice, but delayed it until Jun 15th. I would be out of the country, so would have to wait until my return and scheduled our legal marriage on September 1st, our twelfth anniversary of being together and close to September 5th, our tenth wedding anniversary. But, there is still one more hurdle, a constitutional amendment that seeks to take away our marriage rights. Vote No on 8, then we can really celebrate!

Visit me at www.DavinaKotulski.com